The "Intended" Purpose
In my adventure to "Chasing Sexy" , I've become pretty self absorbed into thinking this was going to be easy. Easy to do, easy to blog, easy to motivate, easy to inspire. What the hell was I thinking? I don't like to chase anything, yet alone figure out how to do it. In fact, I've been chasing after my dreams forever and let's be honest, it's exhausting.
So for the Love of Sexy! I need to get busy. It's been almost two years (2014) since I started this blog, without ever following through with its intended purpose.
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| LIVE!! |
**(Intended Purpose: to motivate myself and others as a result of my own changes. Big Deal, right? I figure, I got this, and that degree in Counseling Psychology. So let me put that tool box to work and motivate, not!)
Only, chasing sexy turned out to be more like chasing sleep. Now that doesn't mean I'm lazy. In fact I tend to take on more then I can literally handle. The word NO? It's not in my vocabulary. Then again what mom out there really says no?
So Chasing Sexy was my ultimate scheme to motivate myself into making changes in my life that would make me feel, well, SEXY.
As pointed out in my first blog I define the word sexy as "having interesting or appealing qualities". So chasing sexy is just that. Chasing the most interesting and appealing qualities in yourself. So in retrospect, your chasing a better you. But lets face it, who doesn't want to feel sexy inside and out, right? No matter what, we all visualize sexy, as the "outer" us. So I started making changes. Beginning with my outside. You know the part you first see in the mirror everyday. Because we all know people don't walk around with x-ray vision seeing how totally awesome we really are inside.
See, I was never one of those "BIG GIRLS" that was happy and confident with what God gave me. I always felt insecure and, non motivated and not much of a go-getter. I let my weight be my excuse and my excuse was always my weight.
Sidebar, A little About Me....
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On set of 'Fractured"
2 years before Surgery |
Well, in 2014 I weighed about 320 lbs, (wow 320, that number still kills me) working between being on set and substitute teaching, while trying to find time to write and attend everything my kids did. But lets get back to that number 320. Yes, a big number to me. But what bothers me the most is how that "number" became my life. I was never a pop addict, fast food, midnight eating junkie. Just a big water guzzling lady who likes sweet foods and carbs. So how 320? Who knows. I think we all get to our heaviest weight differently. For me it was a big combo of stress, health issues and lack of motivation.
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On set of "Infinite"
Aug 2014
2 weeks before Surgery |
Over the years I have dealt with a lot of stress. Losing jobs, parents,
friends, homes, my business and always trying to reinvent the wheel to survive. Only instead of finding my way, I became lost and tired. Tired of fighting and tired of trying. I was an active figure skating coach for many years. But even I became too tired to continue. Feeling defeated after 7 hours on the ice, 6 days a week. And when I retired from coaching, my metabolism retired from me.
The weight slowly began to creep on. Then one year our insurance changed making it hard for me to purchase Synthroid. So, on the generic pill I went. Within 3 years I gained 100lbs. and a ton of health issues. It took a lot of fighting and finally a doctor to put me back on Synthroid.
Back on Synthroid, but it was too late. Thinking my life would begin again and I could continue chasing after my dreams. I lost about 30lbs right away, then it stopped. Feeling defeated and depressed I had enough. Now, over the years I had gone and seen two different surgeons about weight loss surgery. But I refused because I felt I didn't need it and I could do it all by myself. I have had friends and family members who had gastric bypass, and none came without complications. But let me tell you, I had giving up, and gastric bypass started to sound like my only solution.
I was standing on one leg with death around the corner. So, what did I have to lose? Why risk it now? Because I wasn't living anymore, I was dying inside and out. Only thing is, by time I said yes, bypass wasn't even an option any more. But Gastric Sleeve was.
I found a doctor that I was a right fit for me, and in less then 3 months I went under the knife.
Chasing Sexy and Surgery...
Now I'm no expert and some of you may not agree with me. But, it's hard to follow dreams, feel sexy and be motivated when your really not feeling all that great. I mean by now I'm tired all the time, my PVC's are about 75 a minute my blood pressure is sky high and all I want to do is lay down and sleep. But I took my first step to a better me by going under the knife and having gastric sleeve surgery. Was I excited? Nope, more like paranoid. In fact I fought with my family the night before refusing to go to the hospital in the morning. But somehow they convinced me it was alright. So I went.
Surgery was fine, recovery not so pretty. I am allergic to morphine (which the hospital knew but somehow they still managed to morphine me up) so I came out of stomach surgery vomiting everywhere trying hard not to asphyxiate. In fact after two days in the hospital, I lied. I just wanted to go home. I was not even drinking liquids, couldn't keep a sip down if I had to. But I also was not recovering well, and all I wanted was my bed. In fact I came home heavier then when I went in. The IV was not in properly and my body was taking on fluids in the tissue.
But after sleeping for an entire day (because you can never sleep in a hospital) I was ready for this new change. With no pain meds in me, I took on being motivated, and my second day home I literally cleaned my entire house. But here I was recovering, thinking I got this... looking forward to a sexier me.
You'd a thought I went and had plastic surgery. I was excited for the new me, but I was struggling. In pain and coming off the anesthesia was killing me. But I got up and was moving. Within a week I was down 20lbs. So here I was.... chasing sexy o'l me around the house with a band aid on my insides, I felt like I could take on the world, and weight loss was the first step.
Chasing Sexy After Surgery
3 months, 4 months, 6 months... Later
Yep, here I was hitting numbers... 280, 270, 260, 250, 240 and finally 230. Sounds good right? Notta, at 6 months out, I hit 230 lbs and never lost another pound. Everything stopped no matter what I ate, how hard I worked, even tried starving myself a couple days to just get under 230. back on and off liquid diets trying to drop just a pound. But no success.
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About 6 months after Surgery
sporting my "It Follows" crew zip
that didn't fit before! |
Now I can't say its all bad. Would I do it again? absolutely! I was still a better, happier me. Starting to feel sexy in and out. I even left the film industry (yet miss it everyday) and found myself back in the office as an Executive Assistant, enjoying that M-F work and family life. And with that, I thought, a schedule would help me better manage my weight loss. But after a year, not a pound came off. In fact my weight started to bounce between 230-235 like a yo-yo. My average daily weight is 233lbs and my simple goal of 225, is just impossible.
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| About a year out @ 230 |
So here I am almost two years out and still looking to be "sexy". I have found a whole new happier me. Even feeling a bit sexier inside. My personality is different, my confidence is higher, my activity is better, I can shop in the ladies dept and I even enjoy taking pictures. So why do I feel like I 'm still chasing after my "most appealing qualities"?
I'm just not sure I've completely found them yet. But I did find a new lifestyle. One that I feel still has room for improvement. So the next chapter in Chasing Sexy for me, is making even more changes for my health. Myself and many other individuals have come across this great book, sweeping social media called "Big Girls Do It Running" by Jasinda Wilder. I hope you go pick up a copy as part of your journey to a sexier you!
So for the Love of Sexy, GET BUSY!
Get out there and do what ever will make's you feel sexier!!!
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Wrapping up "Needlestick" 2013
not yet my heaviest |
